a beginning

I’ve been sitting here for about twenty minutes, and my dilemma has been whether or not to capitalize the first letter of my sentences. Why? Because it would look nicer to leave it lowercase. You’ve already formed your impression of me. I can tell.

Not that I care. Really. Pretty much everything I do is for the aesthetic. I sound so stupid right now. But is it worth sounding stupid if my blog is aesthetic? I think yes. No idea how I became so shallow. It probably began around last year, when I decided that if I couldn’t be the kind of girl who is the life of the party, I’d settle for a compromise between my mildly outgoing self and the mildly cynical author inside of me.

Because, you know, this isn’t my first time blogging. Although a lot of people don’t know that. Ever since I entered high school, there’s plenty about myself that I’ve kept bottled up inside of my heart, and I’m fairly certain my old friends would consider me a bit of a stranger. Une étranger. And there’s a reason behind this, of course. Mostly because when you start to hang out with a different crowd, you know, you have to keep up a certain image. And that sounds stupid. But it takes a lot of bravery to not give a shit about what people think and just throw your real personality out there. And it’s not like I’ve changed my personality. It’s just that some parts of myself are, like certain embarrassing posts on Facebook, hidden from my timeline.

Then I wondered what my blog should be about. I’ve had a lot of blogs in the past. I started off with your typical MySpace-type blog, with glittering text and Google widgets, and everything you would expect for an 11-year-old’s blog. Then I got serious, in middle school, and regularly pushed updates to a blog that was certainly interesting, but also possibly the most cringe-inducing thing I’ve ever written. The thing is, most of that blog wasn’t a collection of my thoughts. It was more like me trying to be funny and witty. I took thoughts from other articles and combined them in silly posts like, “Why Disney Teaches Us The Wrong Lessons” and “How To Write A Good Password”. Basically, I wanted people to come read my blog.

Now, of course, I still want people to read my blog, but that doesn’t matter as much as the fact that I want to enjoy writing my blog. I want my blog to be about me. I want it to reflect my deepest musings, my outlook on life and most importantly, my own style of writing.

I considered making this a fully anonymous blog because I didn’t want anyone to see it and know it was me. That might have been a better idea, because then I could talk shit about whomever I wanted without a care in the world. But I’m too proud of my own writing for that option. As far as I’m concerned, if someone thinks my blog is good, I want them to know that I’m the one who wrote it. And, recently I’ve decided that it’s time I stopped giving a shit about what others think and do what makes me happy. And that happens to be writing. So welcome.